Wednesday, 22 February 2012
2003-2012; An Overview
For this blog, I'm going to cover a great deal of my teenage life between the year 2003 and 2012, simply because these were the most important years of my life.
These were the years before I truly became my own person.
In 2003, I started highschool and that's when everything sort of kicked off. People I'd known for years from Primary School were never to be trusted. A vivid memory was one where two called for me to come out for a while, and when I did, another ran out of an alleyway and hit me over the head with something.
It was this kind of stuff that continued through the year. Although there were happy memories, such as the school discos etc, outside of school I had no one I could really rely on as a friend.
I spent the year of P7 on an internet chat-site "Habbo Hotel", and I'm not ashamed to admit that it's also where I spent nearly all of my social life between 2003 and 2005. There were a select group of people on the site from England other places in the UK who I would talk to. The same people, day in, day out would meet in the same room and just talk. It quickly consumed me and these people were the ones I would have called my real friends if people asked me.
Names such as "PinkyHusky", "Radiant-", "Ruzaila" and dozens others, too many to name here. One in particular I actually still talk to, Nick van Kroonenburg. These people kept me sane through the years. Hell, I feel like I learnt a lot from the aswell. It was through these people I developed my typing skills etc. and learnt not to use text speak and bad grammar. I found my sense of humour through people like Nick who introduced me to different comedy shows and games.
In 2004, I moved to Birmingham, England and I considered this my escape from bullying.
In a sense, it worked, as I was just one of the few white kids amongst the sea of blacks in the city. I didn't really have much of a problem with this, but it was unnerving, so say the least. I made two friends there that deserve to be called the word. They were loyal and through them and their influences, I found out more about myself. Coral, a Scottish girl who now lives back there, introduced me to her friends who were alternative. It was around then I started listening to rock and metal music which I suppose developed over the years.
2005, I returned to Northern Ireland with a lot of stress. Remembering the first year of high school and knowing that was the environment I would return to upset me greatly. At this time, I still spent most of my time on the internet, talking to the people I'd met on Habbo Hotel amongst other places.
The bullying wasn't as bad at this point, but I was still amongst people I couldn't stand.
Eventually I got moved up to the top classes again and began to hang around with my closest friend to this day, "KittyC"/Pete.
2006 - 2008
2006 was the "game changer" so to speak. I began to hang around with the people from my school who listened to metal music and hung around in town and it was through them that I met many of the people I still talk to these days. I began to dress more alternatively with my emo jumpers and crap, which quickly led on to trench coats, New Rock boots and the likes.
Suddenly, with all these new clothes and becoming my own person, so to speak, I began to attract more friends. I was getting attention from girls and in a way, I guess it all went to my head. I developed an over-the-top false confidence which I hid behind. I was loud, cocky and put myself to the front of the crowd, always wanting to be the center of attention. I guess in a way, it worked too. People didn't see me as this self-conscious kid any more.
It's around this point, I'd like to apologise to so many different people. No names will be brought up but between these years that I became what I can only phrase as "what I hated". I was ignorant of other peoples feelings, put my own well-being before many others and acted completely self-centered.
After all the years of having no one really there to confide in, I was swarmed with "friends" and people who were interested in me, and I let it go to my head. I fucked people over, treated people like crap and did things I'm well and truly not proud of. Many of the times, I did these things due to my own insecurities and my own paranoia; other times I did it because I was caught up in the sheer moment of being the center of attention and that kills me. To anyone who ever reads these blogs that I may have treated like crap, that I may have hurt or simply the people I overlooked, I am truly sorry.
Apologies aside, I learnt a lot about myself during 2007 and 2008. I was at the happiest I'd ever been. In fact, towards the late 2007, I'd started to drop the ego. I'd dropped the feigned confidence and in a way, that's what ended up hurting me most. I was still getting into fights and bullied in high school. Leaving classes for lunch was a pain, knowing day in, day out, I'd be getting hassled by the same crowds of people trying to make my life hell with their threats. The only thing that kept me going was the two or three people who were there for me.
2008 - 2010
I started college in 2008. I couldn't have been happier. The bullying, the threats, the hell I'd been put through was at an end. I was finally, for once in my life, safe from it all. My college class was full of amazing people who I still regard as some of the nicest people I've ever met. Unfortunately other things from my past also gave way in late 2008 and it caused a lot of hard times, only brought on by my own actions. My stupidity had ultimately cost me. Once again, I can't begin to express my deepest regrets and my sincerest apologies for what I had caused.
This took me through 2009 pretty rapidly. It was a non-stop trainride of college, heavy drinking and good/bad times. This year is the hardest to write about, simply because there isn't much I really remember. I will talk about that in a later paragraph.
The last two years have pretty much been about me growing up. I'd reflected a lot of my past and tried to pin-point all the things I'd done wrong. I honestly feel like throughout 2010 and 2011, I was reaching my most mature point. That's not to say they were without their own bad times. The difference though, was that I was not the cause of most of them. Maybe it was karma biting me in the ass for all my own mistakes. Whatever it was, I continued on and grew as a person.
As I mentioned, there are a lot of different things and memories I could add to this. Memories of hanging around with a group of 20 people weekly and drinking heavily at a young age. Memories of spending weekends relaxing doing different activities. The problem is, there are a lot of blank spots in my mind, mainly between 2009 and 2010. I blame this mainly on alcohol. From the age of around late 14, myself and friends would drink weekly. We'd buy 3 litre bottles of cider, ten glass bottles of vodka and we'd binge every weekend. This continued year in, year out and 2009-2010 was when I drank the most, so there are a lot of things that happened between those two years that don't actually have a spot reserved for them in my mind.
So here it is. My 20th birthday. I guess this is time for my complete lifestyle overhaul. The start of a new story so to speak. I'm hoping in the coming years, my life will completely line itself up and run smoothly, after travelling on broken roads for so long. I feel I've already made a good start to this in the last year. I've matured in so many ways and I can't wait to see what the following years have to offer.
Thank you to everyone who has been there for me in my past. Everyone who has helped me through the hardest times. People who have made me the happiest guy in the world. The crowds of friends that I accumulated that genuinely cared about me and made my life something worth living, after the hell that was 2003-2005. You all know who you are, but I shall not name names, only because I'd feel guilty if I accidentally left out people who made a big impact on my life.
Really, thank you.
Oh, and happy birthday to me.