Tuesday, 31 January 2012

The Future

The real Mika Saint before going to a club. No makeup etc.
I'm so afraid of the future.
I'm afraid of growing up and having to take responsibility for my own path in life.
Everyone has dreams when they're younger, dreams of being in a job of some sort.
"I want to be a fireman!"
"I want to be a journalist!"
Hell, even going through school, there were people who knew what they wanted to do.

I'm constantly asked by my mum and others, "Well what is it you want to do?"
It's not that simple. It's not like I have a plan in my head for what it is I want to do.
I really, really don't know.
"Well think! What do you like doing?"
That doesn't help. I like lying in bed, going for long walks and travelling.

I tried Travel and Tourism in college, but it wasn't for me. It covered customer service, tour guides, cabin crew, travel agents and all sorts of jobs. The only part of the course I enjoyed was doing essays on different cities, and even then, the ones they made us research were boring.
I just want to travel the world and see different cities and cultures.
I want people to know my name. I want to be popular and for all attention to be on me for something.
"Well what is it you want to be known for doing?"

And we come full circle. I don't know. I don't have hobbies. I'm not a creative person.
I'm artistically retarded, musically backwards and my attention span for writing is nigh-existent.

I'd love to run my own male fashion line, as 'gay' as it sounds. It sounds possible, but in the long run, I wouldn't know where to start. I have no drawing skills etc. so even getting designs to print would be out of my reach. Hell, if someone wants to give me a hand with this and draw up t-shirt prints, I'll be happy to do as much business-side work as I have to. This kinda comes form my love of clothing lines such as Affliction, Xzavier etc.

Tuesday, 24 January 2012

The Metaphorical Mask

If you don't know me, this is going to be a strange blog for you to be reading.
I have been blogging for over a year now, on "The Official Blog of Mika Saint", a blog in which I write of my rants, ramblings, adventures and daily going ons.
The nature of the blog above is light hearted and a lot of the time comedic. This blog most likely won't be.
I will be using this blog to document the changes I go through over 2012 and further on, mentally and physically.
There are many things this blog could cover and most of them will be personal, so understand me when I warn you now, that this isn't going to be a "fun" read. Well, maybe for some of you, but that's a different story.

The metaphorical mask is the first topic I shall discuss here. The mask I speak of is the one that nearly everybody wears. The smiling, happy, sociable mask. The mask that disguises what lies beneath. I've been wearing this one for quite some time.
This isn't to say that when you see me smile, I'm not happy. This is not to say when I am having fun, it's all a ruse. This IS to say that as happy as I am, there's a part of me that is curled up in a ball of self-consciousness. There are a lot of different insecurities that we all face. I won't be even begin to list the different vices that people may have.
Mine however, is my weight.

When I was younger, I was weedy. There was truely nothing to me.
As I grew up and out of the "alternative" clothes, metabolism kicked in and general growth occured.
Natural things such as bone growth etc. which are unavoidable are things that I am fine with. However, throughout 2010 and 2011 I gained alot of weight compared to the years before, and I slowly became unfit and out of shape. This is still pretty much the case.
Although this is not a radical weight change, it is something that weighs, forgive the pun, on my mind regularly and have become my biggest hatred about myself.
My mother even noticed this insecurity, mentioning how I was always wearing my coats, even through the warmer, sunnier days. I passed this off as a fashion-conscious thing, but it was really a way to cover myself up somewhat.